Che boludo, Que Onda?

The Argentinian 'Hackathon'

The flight is delayed. Maybe it won’t happen. Maybe I won’t go. I sit and think if this is my out. This is a free trip to Argentina for work. Why wouldn’t I want to go? You wanted to go. It isn’t right to feel this way. You are spoiled and broken. But home sounds nice. And the couch sounds better. You aren’t in a good place right now. Later would be better. Yes. But you were feeling so ready for this; so excited, for so long. No, just do it, go. Ok.

I’m on the plane. It’s a giant metal tube bound for the skies. I’m trapped. There’s no turning back now. I’m alone, I don’t know anyone here, I hardly know anyone there. I don’t even enjoy my job, why did they ask me to do this? I don’t deserve to go, someone else would have been a better choice. It would have made more sense. Calm down. My head fills with those damned prickly pins and needles. Panic. I can’t believe this is happening. You’ve gotten through this before, you can do it again. I offer gum to my neighbor; a friendly gesture. She smiles, thanks me. I think to open the conversation. But I return to myself. People are friendly, you receive what you put out into the world. Be kind, be present, and you’ll get the same from people. The panic subsides.

Why must I relearn the basic idea of acceptance, living among ease and calm? Why do I return to old toxic habitual patterns of self destruction, victimization. Have I ever truly believed in the liberating myself from my own mind? Or are my solutions a patchwork meant to hold me together, keep me alive, while the darkness stays concealed and resting, before another attack. Will there ever be a point where this darkness will be put to rest? Can I ever be purely happy with who am I and everything I have? For now, i decide to put these thoughts aside, focus on the experience.

We collaborate in the office, a ‘hackathon’, 72 hours to ‘innovate’ something. Bring value to the shareholders. We know it’s mainly an excuse to ask us to work more. Everyone feigns their excitement. Our noble leaders give their speeches, set to inspire, not sure who. The Argentinians wouldn’t do this. This showmanship, they put up with it, like we do. But American Tech leaders have their heads so far up their ass they think their mother teresa.

I decide to be honest with people, vulnerable, perhaps due to the exhaustion of trying to put on a facade. Of trying to come off more confident than i really am. I create new connections I didn’t have before, and online relationships fuse into reality. At dinner, one night, couple glasses of wine in. I lean over to my coworker and tell him my truth. This has been difficult. I’ve been uneasy. I am grateful. I appreciate you. The vulnerability pushes connection forward, and now, it is the first moment in days that something feels real. The week isn’t perfect, it’s sloppy, I am hard on myself, but within the slop are genuine moments of connection. We bond, we have fun, we party, we eat, we live.

Brazil

The week is over. My coworkers depart. I am hungover, I’ve missed my flight. I stagger and recompose. It’s a shit day but I push through. It’s time for vacation and I am alone. This is what you wanted. Why do you design your life this way? Why do you travel alone so much? What do people think? Why is this gringo who can hardly speak Spanish lying around the airport by his lonesome?

Enough of that. I’m at my destination. i strike luck in my taxi driver. She’s a nice woman, we chat and refill the joy lost to a day of negativity. I want more of that. I commit myself to extending the hand; sure I’m alone, but I don’t have to be alone. This works. I spend the morning with a new friend, admiring the largest waterfall system in the world, speaking in Spanish, avoiding sneak attacks from the curious Coatis. I find a place in a group of unlikely travelers, Argentinians, Bolivians, Peruvians, Americans, Brazilians, motoring in a boat, upriver, towards the falls. Some are retired, some are backpackers, there is a family here on vacation. Everyone simmering with a sense that something really special is happening. We’re all grateful and we don’t need to say it.

Things can flip on a dime. Being courageous pays off, and I’m filled with sudden excitement for more. I tapped into an arsenal of confidence that lay suppressed inside me; maybe next to that darkness. Maybe they are buds. There you are, I’ve missed you, good to see you again. The rest of the week is easy, all you have to do is say yes, do it, and keep going. Make choices given what feels right to you, never out of fear. This becomes habitual once you remember; you can always let go. I despise that I have to relearn this again; but i accept it.

Brazil, Rio de Janeiro, is a majesty like no other. I walk, I talk, I listen, I hike, I eat, I drink, I sleep, I think, I read, and I do it all again. I surrender to the loose itinerary I lay out and don’t worry about outcomes. I feel free and at ease.

Return

I take a plane home and find myself chatting with my neighbor for hours. I offer a piece of gum, this time not seeking anything or needing something in return. I feel like a different human now. But it’s not a different human. It’s myself. A different version, still much like the old. Call it re-organized. Disassembled then re-assembled. Nah that’s dramatic. Im allowed to be dramatic.

Was it #traveling? Is it that i feel like i accomplished something? Is that why I feel so good? What is the essence of this feeling I am having? What does it come from? And will it last? Probably not. I will probably always have to fight for this feeling. It is earned and learned, and often I forget. Maybe that’s normal. Maybe it’s not. I don’t know. But it feels like who I am and it’s what I have to deal with. Maybe I’ll get better, I hope I’ll get better, I want to be better, and I’m going keep trying.